Everyone keeps asking me how I am, how they can pray for me, or how I’m feeling. But the truth is, I don’t know. I have no idea how I’m feeling. My brain feels empty, detached. Like I’m just going through the motions. I’m functioning, and that’s a good thing. But I can’t register much beyond that. I can tell them something is wrong with me, but I don’t know what. I can’t even define emotions.
And I really don’t like not knowing. I want to be able to understand something about this all. To clearly feel something or not feel something. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know.
But guess what? God does know. It’s okay if I don’t know, because God does. It’s okay if I don’t know how I’m feeling because God does. I don’t have to know, I can trust that He does. I can trust Him to have that information and to let me know when I need to know.
Sometimes it’s scary not knowing. But:
“God is bigger than the bogey-man, He’s watching out for you and me!” -Veggie Tales
Chronic illness is a fight. A constant battle. You know that. It’s all we can do to survive, to function. It’s all we can do to simply not sob. It’s all we can do to even crawl out of bed to the bathroom, to get supplements, or to get something to eat sometimes.
No one would blame us if we fell apart, if we got tired of the fight. Or even if we gave up.
“And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing”
-Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns
But God is bigger than our fears, than our unknown, than our chronic illness. God is bigger. GOD IS BIGGER.
GOD IS BIGGER!
There is so much freedom in that knowledge! Don’t forget it. Look at the next part of that song:
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
‘Cause you’re not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God we know. And guess what? When that fear does face the God we know, it will be silenced. Because God is so much bigger than it. God is not moved by it. Not one bit.
I know this post is kind of jumbled, but so are my thoughts: jumbled. And I’m guessing yours are too. I know this post in particular, but even this whole blog in general are not always well thought out. It may not flow beautifully. But I pray that God can still use it to challenge and encourage you.
So then let me leave you today with a challenge. Get out some paper and a pencil, or open up a blank document on your computer and write all the things that seem big. That seem overwhelming and scary. Write down all your fears. But write them like this:
- God is bigger than my chronic illness.
- God is bigger than my undiagnosis.
- God is bigger than my brain fog.
- God is bigger than my fear that I am not a good enough sister.
- God is bigger than….
Than what? Fill in the blanks. Continue the list. Then hang is up somewhere that you will see it.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. -Isaiah 40:28 (NIV)
Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. -Psalm 147:5 (NIV)